Not that I've really been on the wagon that much lately. I guess I don't really know what it would mean to be "on" the wagon. Stop at 1500 calories a day? Who knows. All I know is that when I went to the doctors last week I was 248, which is dangerously close to 250, which is dangerously disgusting.
So what do I do? Eat, of course. Have I mentioned how sick I make myself?
I'm at a library conference in Minneapolis. Yesterday I ordered room service because I was completely knackered from a long day of driving and flying and waking up at 4am. So I ate room service food.
Today I had pizza and french fries. I went out to walgreens this evening and bought a protein bar and strawberry milk, which I didn't finish, thank goodness, but I still feel really sick.
Plus I've been getting headaches a lot. This is kind of personal, but so is this whole blog. About 3 years ago I experienced horrible headaches when I - ahem - had an orgasm. Like my head was going to explode. I went to the doctor, and they said that probably I had high blood pressure, and that was that. My blood pressure is good though - 120 over 70. I was just at the doc last week. So no high blood pressure. When they happened three weeks ago, it was when I wasn't working out so much, and I haven't been working out so much lately, so I wonder if it's related. Eventually they went away, and I'm hoping that if I start working out seriously again, they'll go away.
I have a physical in about 2 months. I hope I can lose about 15 pounds in 2 months. I should be able to do this. We are going to Italy in September. Can I lose 40 pounds by then? God, I hope so.
I have to do this. I have to start tonight. I have to keep saying that I'm starting, and actually do it.
My hotel has a gym. I'm going to work out. Maybe my headache will go away.
Thanks for listening.
God, I feel disgusting.
It's a bad day.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Every day is a new resolution
March is the time when the new year's resolutions really start to go out of existence for most people. That is, if they even managed to keep them this long (myself included). Throughout January you see lots of ads for gyms and diet sodas and exercise machines on tv and at the store. In February, it's still kind of around. By march, it's like they never existed at all.
And I'm noticing a lot of treadmills for sale on Craigslist.
Since I've been thinking about the whole addiction thing (see yesterday's post) anyway, it's made me consider the mantra of taking things one day at a time. On one hand, it seems so depressing. Is every day going to be a constant struggle of my stomach rumbling and a yearning for cadbury mini-eggs? It's almost worth being fat just to not have that struggle in life. Surely the extra stress of being hungry all that time has got to cancel out any lowering of blood pressure from thinness, no?
But on the other hand, it's inspiring. Ok, so if I messed up today, it's a new beginning tomorrow. And I don't have to think about losing the 70 pounds I want to lose - I just have to think about getting through today without binging. If I can get through today on a healthy note, tomorrow will take care of itself, and the 70 pounds I want to lose will take care of themselves, too.
It's not so overwhelming when you take things one day at a time. All I need to think about right now is getting through today. That's manageable. Not necessarily easy, but manageable.
So I'm trying to live from a 'one day at a time' perspective today and see where that gets me.
--
I started my day going up and down our 27 steps. I was telling J that I needed little pebbles or buttons or something to carry to drop at the top so I didn't lose count because yesterday I did - lose count. So he gave me 11 sticks, which he put at the base of the stairs. Each time I went down, I took one to the top. It was kind of fun - made me feel like I was on a quest of some sort, like in a video game, to move all the sticks to the top. It gave me something else to think about besides how my lungs were burning. Then I did two extra trips - one, after all the sticks were up, to go get them and bring them back down, and then the final one up after bringing them back down. Tomorrow I'm going to go for 12 sticks and 14 times up and down. My heart rate got up to something like 155 beats per minute, so I know it's a good workout.
Yay for me!
And I'm noticing a lot of treadmills for sale on Craigslist.
Since I've been thinking about the whole addiction thing (see yesterday's post) anyway, it's made me consider the mantra of taking things one day at a time. On one hand, it seems so depressing. Is every day going to be a constant struggle of my stomach rumbling and a yearning for cadbury mini-eggs? It's almost worth being fat just to not have that struggle in life. Surely the extra stress of being hungry all that time has got to cancel out any lowering of blood pressure from thinness, no?
But on the other hand, it's inspiring. Ok, so if I messed up today, it's a new beginning tomorrow. And I don't have to think about losing the 70 pounds I want to lose - I just have to think about getting through today without binging. If I can get through today on a healthy note, tomorrow will take care of itself, and the 70 pounds I want to lose will take care of themselves, too.
It's not so overwhelming when you take things one day at a time. All I need to think about right now is getting through today. That's manageable. Not necessarily easy, but manageable.
So I'm trying to live from a 'one day at a time' perspective today and see where that gets me.
--
I started my day going up and down our 27 steps. I was telling J that I needed little pebbles or buttons or something to carry to drop at the top so I didn't lose count because yesterday I did - lose count. So he gave me 11 sticks, which he put at the base of the stairs. Each time I went down, I took one to the top. It was kind of fun - made me feel like I was on a quest of some sort, like in a video game, to move all the sticks to the top. It gave me something else to think about besides how my lungs were burning. Then I did two extra trips - one, after all the sticks were up, to go get them and bring them back down, and then the final one up after bringing them back down. Tomorrow I'm going to go for 12 sticks and 14 times up and down. My heart rate got up to something like 155 beats per minute, so I know it's a good workout.
Yay for me!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Addiction
I was listening to NPR in the car today and heard an interview with a 25 year old guy who's just written a book called Tweak, which is a memoir of his years spent addicted to meth, heroine, you name it.
It got me thinking about addiction and food as addiction. I've spent time with the good people at Overeaters Anonymous, and I just can't seem to get it. I don't know whether it's my own stubbornness and inability to admit that I'm not in control of my eating, but I just have a problem with sitting around for an hour at a time talking about how badly I want to eat a box of twinkies with other people who would tackle me for the box of twinkies, if there was one.
I just don't know - am I completely out of control? Do I need to give this whole food thing up to my Higher Power? Do I need to do the twelve steps? Where does personal responsibility come in? How much of this can I take responsibility for? If I give it up to a Higher Power, then doesn't that make me less culpable?
I am also thinking about what causes me to eat, and how it relates to my general issues in life. I have this thing where I feel like life hasn't started yet. It will start someday - the day I get my act together and decide what I want to be when I grow up, or when I get thin or any number of things like that. I feel like being fat is my way of hiding from the world - I'm afraid to put myself out there and really go for what I want because of what people will say about me being fat. But as long as I'm fat I also don't have to go out there and take risks in life because of what I think people will say about me. So it becomes this vicious chocolate circle.
I wonder sometimes what I'd be like if I was thin. Would I really try to make a career out of writing? Would I share myself more openly? Would I smile at people in the grocery store? Would I have more friends? I don't know. I just know that I don't like myself like this. I don't like not easily fitting into airplane seats. I don't like shopping in the plus-size stores. I just don't like any of it.
--
On a positive note, now that the weather is getting warm, I'm spending more time outside, and I've been introducing practices like writing every morning into my life. And today I worked out on my steps. We live on a hill and there are 27 steps to get from our driveway to the house. I keep saying that if I could go out and walk up and down them every day, I'd be super fit. So I started today. I started out doing it 10 times. I'm not sure how long it took me - about 15 minutes, I think, but my heart rate got all kindsa crazy. Tomorrow I'm going to try for 11, and I'll also time it, and time my heart rate. It's been 30 minutes, and my heart is still pounding. If I could work up to doing it like 30 times a day, that would be awesome. And then I could do the stair climb to the top of the tallest building that they have every year in LA through my old gym. And I would be able to finish it. Especially since I'm doing this all at a high altitude with thin air. Imagine how fit I'd be if I could go up and down the stairs 50 times in thin air? God, that would be amazing. So that's what I'm going to do. 10 times today, 11 tomorrow. Go me.
It got me thinking about addiction and food as addiction. I've spent time with the good people at Overeaters Anonymous, and I just can't seem to get it. I don't know whether it's my own stubbornness and inability to admit that I'm not in control of my eating, but I just have a problem with sitting around for an hour at a time talking about how badly I want to eat a box of twinkies with other people who would tackle me for the box of twinkies, if there was one.
I just don't know - am I completely out of control? Do I need to give this whole food thing up to my Higher Power? Do I need to do the twelve steps? Where does personal responsibility come in? How much of this can I take responsibility for? If I give it up to a Higher Power, then doesn't that make me less culpable?
I am also thinking about what causes me to eat, and how it relates to my general issues in life. I have this thing where I feel like life hasn't started yet. It will start someday - the day I get my act together and decide what I want to be when I grow up, or when I get thin or any number of things like that. I feel like being fat is my way of hiding from the world - I'm afraid to put myself out there and really go for what I want because of what people will say about me being fat. But as long as I'm fat I also don't have to go out there and take risks in life because of what I think people will say about me. So it becomes this vicious chocolate circle.
I wonder sometimes what I'd be like if I was thin. Would I really try to make a career out of writing? Would I share myself more openly? Would I smile at people in the grocery store? Would I have more friends? I don't know. I just know that I don't like myself like this. I don't like not easily fitting into airplane seats. I don't like shopping in the plus-size stores. I just don't like any of it.
--
On a positive note, now that the weather is getting warm, I'm spending more time outside, and I've been introducing practices like writing every morning into my life. And today I worked out on my steps. We live on a hill and there are 27 steps to get from our driveway to the house. I keep saying that if I could go out and walk up and down them every day, I'd be super fit. So I started today. I started out doing it 10 times. I'm not sure how long it took me - about 15 minutes, I think, but my heart rate got all kindsa crazy. Tomorrow I'm going to try for 11, and I'll also time it, and time my heart rate. It's been 30 minutes, and my heart is still pounding. If I could work up to doing it like 30 times a day, that would be awesome. And then I could do the stair climb to the top of the tallest building that they have every year in LA through my old gym. And I would be able to finish it. Especially since I'm doing this all at a high altitude with thin air. Imagine how fit I'd be if I could go up and down the stairs 50 times in thin air? God, that would be amazing. So that's what I'm going to do. 10 times today, 11 tomorrow. Go me.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Easter marshmallow peeps
What is it with those delectable little marshmallow peeps? And yeah, I know they come out at other holidays now, but I still just associate them with Easter, so at Easter I eat them.
I ate 7 of them yesterday. 7 peeps, not 7 packages. I got a massive sugar rush that gave me a headache. But dang, it was worth it. I guess.
Other than that, I did ok. Oh, no, hang on, I had white pasta. We were out of whole wheat stuff. But I made whole wheat garlic bread. So that was impressive.
I'm still afraid to weigh myself, though. I've got to at some point. But not today.
I ate 7 of them yesterday. 7 peeps, not 7 packages. I got a massive sugar rush that gave me a headache. But dang, it was worth it. I guess.
Other than that, I did ok. Oh, no, hang on, I had white pasta. We were out of whole wheat stuff. But I made whole wheat garlic bread. So that was impressive.
I'm still afraid to weigh myself, though. I've got to at some point. But not today.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Sugar free chocolate pudding and strawberries....
So it's Monday and I'm feeling inspired. I don't know whether that's because I had a really productive day today, with minimal trips to the fridge, or if it's because the March issue of Vogue is a gazillion pages thick and I'm thinking about all the lovely clothes I'll be able to wear when I'm thinner someday (like maybe next year at this time???).
Anyway, so here's the good, the bad, and the ugly for the day.
The ugly
my....um...."problem" from yesterday is better. Praise the Lord.
The good:
I did fairly well with food today.
I ate:
Breakfast:
whole wheat mini-bagel with butter
frosted mini-wheats (skim milk)
Lunch:
Apple with peanut butter
cottage cheese
Kashi super-fibrous granola bar (5 grams of fiber - ooooh, my butt is gonna be happy!)
big chocolate chip cookie
3pm snack:
strawberry shortcake with a twist - shortcake made with bisquick low-fat stuff
strawberries and sugar free chocolate pudding. Oooh, it was yummmmmy.
ate one potsticker (my hubby ate 11. I was jealous).
6pm dinner:
it was taco night - we had tacos made with turkey, black beans, lettuce, tomatoes, and colby-jack cheese. I had the equivalent of 3 - I made them and then crushed them all up and ate it like a salad. Less mess that way.
It's only 9:30 now and I'm kind of hungry again. I might have the rest of the pint of strawberries with more sugar free chocolate pudding. Oooh, that is YUMMY. And the strawberries kind of stink up the fridge. So I'll get 'em outta there.
I worked out for 30 mins on the stairmaster thingy.
The bad:
who am I kidding. I'm FREAKING STARVING!
Oh well. It's a diet. I will continue to read Vogue. It will sustain me.
Also, I'm afraid to weigh myself.
Anyway, so here's the good, the bad, and the ugly for the day.
The ugly
my....um...."problem" from yesterday is better. Praise the Lord.
The good:
I did fairly well with food today.
I ate:
Breakfast:
whole wheat mini-bagel with butter
frosted mini-wheats (skim milk)
Lunch:
Apple with peanut butter
cottage cheese
Kashi super-fibrous granola bar (5 grams of fiber - ooooh, my butt is gonna be happy!)
big chocolate chip cookie
3pm snack:
strawberry shortcake with a twist - shortcake made with bisquick low-fat stuff
strawberries and sugar free chocolate pudding. Oooh, it was yummmmmy.
ate one potsticker (my hubby ate 11. I was jealous).
6pm dinner:
it was taco night - we had tacos made with turkey, black beans, lettuce, tomatoes, and colby-jack cheese. I had the equivalent of 3 - I made them and then crushed them all up and ate it like a salad. Less mess that way.
It's only 9:30 now and I'm kind of hungry again. I might have the rest of the pint of strawberries with more sugar free chocolate pudding. Oooh, that is YUMMY. And the strawberries kind of stink up the fridge. So I'll get 'em outta there.
I worked out for 30 mins on the stairmaster thingy.
The bad:
who am I kidding. I'm FREAKING STARVING!
Oh well. It's a diet. I will continue to read Vogue. It will sustain me.
Also, I'm afraid to weigh myself.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
ok, so no more joking around
It's March - two months into this thing. I HAVE to start living up to my new year's resolution.
Today, I am officially old. I have...wait for it...a...hemorrhoid. This is caused by...wait for it...being overweight.
Why do I persist in doing this to myself? What do I get out of being big? Is it something about putting on a layer of protection because I had a screwed up childhood? I used to sleep around for validation, but now I'm married, and wouldn't want to anymore anyway, so I substitute chocolate for one-night-stands? Whatever it is, I need to figure it out, and quit it. I can quit it before I figure it out, though. I'm a firm believer in naval-staring (witness my ten+ years of being a Landroid) but too much of it can just lead to a backache and blurry vision.
So ok. I've been doing more with fiber, ahem, obviously, and eating whole grains, etc. I hardly ever eat white rice, and haven't had white bread in ages. But I need to start eating LESS of everything. Not just the same amount, but more healthy. I need to start limiting my portions. It's gonna suck, but whatever. I'll manage. I need to. My butt is begging me to.
Sigh.
Today, I am officially old. I have...wait for it...a...hemorrhoid. This is caused by...wait for it...being overweight.
Why do I persist in doing this to myself? What do I get out of being big? Is it something about putting on a layer of protection because I had a screwed up childhood? I used to sleep around for validation, but now I'm married, and wouldn't want to anymore anyway, so I substitute chocolate for one-night-stands? Whatever it is, I need to figure it out, and quit it. I can quit it before I figure it out, though. I'm a firm believer in naval-staring (witness my ten+ years of being a Landroid) but too much of it can just lead to a backache and blurry vision.
So ok. I've been doing more with fiber, ahem, obviously, and eating whole grains, etc. I hardly ever eat white rice, and haven't had white bread in ages. But I need to start eating LESS of everything. Not just the same amount, but more healthy. I need to start limiting my portions. It's gonna suck, but whatever. I'll manage. I need to. My butt is begging me to.
Sigh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)