Discouragement

I had been doing so good, I thought. I had lost two pounds and was working out five days a week, etc. And then today I weigh myself and I gained a pound back. I'm really hoping it's just water/bloating and I'm going to drink more water today. And I'm going to have to start weighing myself every day, I think. I know they say that if you weigh yourself every day you can get discouraged because you don't see results that quickly, but if I don't weigh myself every day, it sneaks up on me. So I'm going to have to just force myself to weigh myself every morning.

I have been working out five days a week - 35-40 minutes at a pop on the elliptical - but I also got a resistance band on Friday and need to start doing that, too. Plus I can travel with that a lot more easily.

I made a "somewhat-healthy diner" breakfast this morning. Fried egg-whites, whole wheat toast, an apple and some fried lean ham. The kitchen smells like Denny's. That's nice.
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I had a little moment the other day. I was watching youtube videos and somehow saw Brian Boitano (I love the south park movie-"What would Brian Boitano do?") and I thought about how when I was little I ice skated-started when I was 3 and continued for nearly 10 years - and I just wanted to cry at what my body has become. A few months ago, a friend, who is pretty big, said something about how us "big girls" have to stick together, and I was like, "but I'm not big. You're big. I'm an athlete!" and I realized just how much I have been fooling myself. My body is ginormous. I have to get real about that first, before anything is going to change. As long as I'm living in a fantasy world, I'm never going to be able to lose this weight.

The church of Oprah

When Liz Lemon on 30 Rock was asked about her religion, she replied, "I mostly just do what Oprah tells me." I've never been a huge Oprah watcher - I think I've probably watched less than five full episodes in my entire life, but I do get her magazine, and with all the hullabaloo about her weight recently, I had to watch her kickoff to Best Life Week today.

Bob Greene, her famous trainer, is hosting a webcast next week where he's going to give his specifics on getting back in shape. To get started for that, he gave five questions to ask ourselves to get to the heart of what it is we really want, including things like, "Why did I fail at losing weight before?" "Why do I want to lose weight?" and "what would really make me happy?"

So I was thinking about my life, and the things that I would like to have it really make me happy. I want to listen to more of my music. We always listen to J's music, or sports on the tv. I want to listen to mine, even if he thinks it's silly. I want to listen to Marketplace on NPR every day. I want to go to museums. If I'm really honest, I'm tired of always doing everything for everybody else. I clean the cat litter, I make the meals, I keep the house clean, I-ahem-work and make our money, and I'm tired of it. I don't want to do it all the time. I don't mind doing it some of the time. But not all of the time.

Sheesh, that all just came spilling out, didn't it?

So, yeah, that's what I want.

I want to travel and have friends and go back to doing interesting things like I did when I was in London and was pretty healthy. I want to sing and play instruments more. I want to not be tired.

I lost weight in the past and then gained it back because... hmmm... I was super healthy when I was 20, and then it just seemed to get boring. I got tired of the gym. And I have always turned to food for comfort. When I was 20 I could do that because my metabolism was better. I can't do that anymore.

And I want to lose weight to... have more confidence in myself. I'm tired of hiding and not doing what I want to do in life (take belly dancing classes, start businesses, run) because people will think I'm fat.

And the great clothes wouldn't be bad either.

Oprah, chocolate, stress and etc

I'm thinking about weight a lot because of Oprah's recent confessions about her weight. Oprah is so freaking open and vulnerable, it really makes me feel awful because I wish I was that way, too.

I was getting annoyed with my hubby today (we were having a stressful time trying to get a stray cat, who we had brought in overnight to recover after we got him "fixed" yesterday to leave and go back outside, and I didn't think he was handling it properly and was really impatient. Then I had to clean up the bathroom, where the cat had been staying, and was getting even more annoyed. Then I go out to ask him something, and what do I do? Eat four hershey kisses. Why? Was I craving chocolate? Not particularly. Was I hungry? Not really. Was I bored? Yeah. Was I stressed out? Yes.

So I'm a stress eater. But it's so ingrained in me. "Comfort food" is more than just warm shepherd's pie. It's anything. It's Doritos. It's cereal. Chocolate. Little Debbie's brownies.

I gotta figure out other healthy things to do so I don't grab the damn hershey kisses all the time. Still, four isn't that bad. They have 25 calories each. So that was 100 calories of stress reduction.

Maybe I could rock out on guitar hero instead. But it takes so loooong to load and set up. Something faster. I'll have to think.

All in all, it wasn't that bad today. I had:

cereal (quaker oatmeal squares - cold, but loads of fiber)
chicken salad sandwich
cole slaw
small amount of strawberry shortcake

teriyaki chicken, rice and veggies

four pieces of chocolate
cereal
a few doritos

And I worked out for 35 minutes on the elliptical machine. Not too shabby, so say I.

New Year's Resolutions

Funny how I keep coming back to this blog. Ok, so I did go down a size since last year. I can now fit into size 20 jeans at the gap, whereas last year I was wearing size 22 from Lane Bryant. So that's at least a step in the right direction, right?

But if my Grand Life Plan works out the way I want it to, this will be the last year that I'm not either pregnant or have a baby (we want to get pregnant in 2010). So I need to start thinking about this whole Being Healthy thing in a new way. It's not just about me anymore. It's about being Healthy for the little thing that's going to grow inside of me. And it's really selfish for me to want to eat a twinkie and deprive Baby of a healthy mom. I mean, duh.

I also realize that I feel so much better when I drink lots of water and don't eat a ton of sugar (she says, having just eaten a Little Debbie's Christmas Cake - listen, it's not going anywhere till I eat it and I might as well not have it hanging around until February, right?).

I've been bored on the elliptical lately, so I've taken to shoveling snow as a workout. Man, I'm working muscles I never knew I had. Plus the upside is that our deck is getting steadily cleared of snow. Bonus! It's nice to see our huge deck now, and not see it all covered in two feet of snow.

I'd been doing pretty good on the lowering-my-sugar thing, but then I kind of backslid just now. But I have shoveled snow for 45 minutes today during my lunch hour, so maybe if I do it again tonight - or do the elliptical or something to work off that dang Christmas tree cake thing (it was so yummy though - almost worth it).

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. For the first year in a while last year I ended the year lower in weight than I had been when the year started, so rather than be upset that I didn't lose the weight I wanted to, I'm going to take that momentum and use it this year...